A Happy Woman
A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for awhile and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care what you think. I just came from having a mammogram and the Dr. says that not only am I healthy, but I have the breasts of an 18 year old."
The husband replies, "What did he say about your 55 year old ass?"
"Your name never came up"
| Impossible to Please | |
| A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside." So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor. The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't good enough, so the friends continue on up. They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up. On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor. There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman." |
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
Jim and Edna were patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays a sound mind. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Edna replied "He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"
The husband walks into the bedroom with a glass of water and two pills. He walks over to his wife in bed and says, "Here you go honey." She looks up at him and says, "What is this?" "It is two aspirins and a glass of water." the husband explains. "What's it for?" askes the wife. "Why, it is for your headache." says the hubby. She looks at him like he's crazy and says, "I don't have a headache." The husband puts the water and pills on the nitestand, jumps in bed and say, "Oh boy."
Two cannibasls were eating a comedien when the one cannibal turns to the other and asks, Hey, does this meat taste funny?"