So, many of you probably remember me grumping about having to go to my bil's wedding that's out of town, 5 hours away, this weekend. My hubby's family just doesn't get that I am really sick. I have not seen his bil for over a year but my hubby has told him about me. Will (my hubby) went to their bridal shower about a month ago and explained it all to them again and apologized that I didn't go to the shower because I was home in bed.
I explained to the bil that I may not attend all the wedding functions because of my health-they wanted us to help set up (moving tables and decorating and stuff) which I can not physically do, they want us to go to the rehearsal dinner than rehearsal. The wedding is the next day with the reception in the afternoon than out to dinner again and a Sunday brunch at the brides parents house. So anyways, he was a little upset that I told him I probably will not be able to attend everything.
Well, he came into my office Friday and started asking questions. I got up to get something and of course leaned on my desk to get up which takes longer than regular people and I walk with a limp because of my hips and he wanted to know what I was limping for???? Than he asked my what was wrong with my hands after he gasped when he saw them, I was like DUH! He wanted to look at the new car I got and questioned the cripple sticker on the rear view mirror. He asked why I cut my hair so short. The questions just kept coming.
I finally just looked at him and said I am REALLY, SERIOUSLY sick, have you not been paying attention??!!?? I was angry and hurt and just when I thought he was beginning to understand, he wanted to know if I would volunteer to help clean up the church!!!!!!!!!
You poor thing! Only do what you feel you are up to doing. When the time comes you and are not up to it, they will just have to understand. Icannot believe how ignorant some people can be. "Suck it up?" sheesh....... I hope you are staying in a really nice hotel, where you can sneak off to if necessary for a long soak and room service. Good luck sweetie!
Oh, I'm SOOO sorry you're going through all of this. I do wish there was a way to get people to understand. I suck it up alot of times because I just don't want to try and explain it to people over and over again. Like yesterday...I was up at 8:30 with the kids...hubby got up and I must have looked like crap because he told me to go lay down. (this was at about 10am) So I did ( he NEVER offers to watch the kids so I can rest, so I was so happy when he did) and went to sleep until almost 1:00. Got up, ate a bit and then I put youngest daughter down for a nap. Then I went and laid down again until about 4pm...Later in the evening I stopped over to our neighbors to chit chat for a while and they asked me what we did all day. I just said I wasn't feeling the best, so I slept alot. THe husband says," Oh, sure- bring your sick germs over here." I said, " It's not the contagious kind of sick..." He probably thought I had my period or something. Oh well...
I'm so sorry your brother in-law is just not getting it. It sounds to me like you've done everything "right"....I'll be interested in the responses here...
As far as making people understand...my thought is this....I don't really care if they DON'T understand. I certainly will answer questions as to why I'm not doing this or that...but beyond that I owe NO ONE any explanations...period!
I think if I were you I'd wear the wrist splint...that with a simple explaination as to why you have it on will be enough.
Remember Michele...this is YOUR life...not theirs...you do what you feel you are up to and not anything more!
Kelly
Michele, I read some of your posts about the upcomin wedding and i could relate to a T. I have found myself unconciously not obligating myself to anything too physically challenging. i never know how i am going tp function from one day to the next or what my limitations are going to be. Osteo, most can attempt to understand,but fibro is almost taboo or all in your head around here. Especially if they can see nothing physically wrong with ya. I feel like puttin a sign on my back that says PLEASE DONT TOUCH I MAY YELL!
Even my family has a difficult time adjusting to my ever changing illness. Its hard to explain why you sleep when you can because of little to no sleep at night, or why you can't just walk all over town at the festival, or why your back kills you to mop one room and on and on. Most just think I'm lazy and i'm usually to tired to argue. I just want to be normal again but those times are few and far between,*sigh*. Not keeping my grandbabies is the hardest, even picking them up hurts something. My hubby is a huge help so i think that keeps me grounded and not overly depressed,or maybe its the Paxil
I'm sorry your life seems so demanding right now but surely it will get better, I hope so sweetie. some people are just selfish and inconsiderate. You have to take care of you and the rest will take care of its self.
Hi, not understanding is upper most on my mind also, my brother in law thinks we should go up and take care of my sister in law (for him), she has an alzheimer's type of affliction. He doesn't get it that I'm not able to take care of myself yet, let alone take this on. My husband SAID, "NO"!!. Thank goodness he isn't shy. LyndaThanks girls, I appreciate all the support! I hate feeling fat and lazy and not being able to do normal stuff. I guess I don't care who really understands but I just wish they would stop asking me to do things I obviously can not do! I hate saying no but I also just plain can't do a lot of the things to used to be able to do. I wear the medical compression socks a lot and it helps to keep the swelling down but I have to have hubby put them on and take them off for me.Michele...How about I come get you and we'll just run (limp) away with our fur babies to a deserted tropical island with lots of flowers and waterfalls?
Hang in there sweetie, I know it's frustrating and hard to deal with. As for the wedding...wear the brace. When people ask because you know they will...just try to smile and say "oh I'm fine, it's just a little sore". That should be enough to stop the questions. Don't you DARE push yourself while you are there. There is no reason for you to be involved in EVERY aspect of that wedding so do what you can and no more. You have to take care of you and if the feckin' wanks don't like it or understand then they can bugger off....so there.
I really wish hubby would be a little more understanding himself and more supportive of you as I think that would be extremely helpful. Sometimes I really think they should take the word arthritis out of this disease and just call it Rheumatoid Disease. I seriously think the word arthritis is what makes people think we can't possibly be sick...it's JUST arthritis. Bah...fumble bug!
Take care sweetie and try not to stress out. The whole wedding ordeal will be over very soon.
Peace & Love...Neasy
HI, I don't think anyone else can possibly understand our limitations! I couldn't open the dang milk carton this morning! I walked , like 100 yards and wondered if my foot would stop hurting long enough to get back tot he care. My fingers stick out straight and stay there when I type!
People don't understand, we don't understand our selves sometimes. I hope you can get someone else to spiffy up your yard it sounds like it needs TLC , and someone whould love the work. Maybe some volunteer group? Thinking of you. Lynda
I've said it before, and I'll say it again..."Normals" just don't get it. It is beyond their comprehension. I come from a heavily rheumatoid family -- and thought I was empathetic toward their suffering. When I got this crud myself is when I realized that I didn't know anything.[QUOTE=IslandWoman]I've said it before, and I'll say it again..."Normals" just don't get it. It is beyond their comprehension. I come from a heavily rheumatoid family -- and thought I was empathetic toward their suffering. When I got this crud myself is when I realized that I didn't know anything. [/QUOTE]
Unfortunately you are right and that statement is very true.
Nice to see you IslandWoman...was wondering where you'd been.
Peace & Love...Neasy
[QUOTE=micheleb]My hubby is hit and miss with understanding. I understand, he just wants his wife back. I don't think he gets this is for life yet though.
[/QUOTE]
I know what ya mean girl. Mine goes back and forth constantly. Sometimes the sweetest most understanding person I could hope for and other times the cruelest most insensitive person I've ever known. I know it's difficult for them to adjust as well and hell...it's still hard for me to grasp that this is for life so I certainly can understand our partners struggling with it.
Peace & Love...Neasy
Michele wear the brace. You really don't owe anyone an explanation. If they ask you tell them the brace is for my RA. Since I am such a smarty pants I would tell them the brace is for my RA and since I have to shake everyone's hand today I need to minimize the pain. Plus...if you have the brace they just may avoid shaking your hand or at the very least shake it very gently. As men are supposed to do with a woman in the first place.Well it shouldn't be so bad all the time... There has to be something they have missed at the root of this mess.
I'm keeping my hopes up for your special clinic visit. Bring action picture of your self before all this started. Your diffuse swelling and a few other things don't have me convinced that your dx is correct. But then I'm stubborn.
[QUOTE=marian]Well it shouldn't be so bad all the time... There has to be something they have missed at the root of this mess.
I'm keeping my hopes up for your special clinic visit. Bring action picture of your self before all this started. Your diffuse swelling and a few other things don't have me convinced that your dx is correct. But then I'm stubborn.
[/QUOTE]
Huh? Did you post to the wrong thread or did I miss something?
Michele- Your brother-in-law is really ignorant. He must obviously have taken some notice of how much pain you were in and how difficult things are for you.
Remember your hair looks really nice and you should feel good about being youLuckily, my brace is pretty big, it has a hole for my thumb but covers my fingers up to the knuckles so no chance of someone wanting to shake with that thing on!!!
I know what you are going through,my in-laws are the same they dont understand the severity of my RA,because I am 35 years younger than them ,they just dont get it.
I became ill just after we married over 17 years ago and I know for sure they think I am lazy and just want to sit at home whilst their Son is out working !!!
My Husband is ok and a good help sometimes but on other days he can become a pain !!!and just doesnt seem to understand !!
Well thats my rant over.Wow, Michele you have a lot to put up with. I think back to my stepson's wedding and what the mother of the bride and the mother of the groom did. I will tell you NADA, NOTHING, ZERO, ZIP. They came to the shower, rehearsal dinner, wedding reception and did not help out 1 bit.
I asked what I could do then helped all that I could. I did all the jewelry, planned the shower, got the photographer and set up the rehearsal dinner. I did most of the planning over 6 weeks and made sure I had the day after the wedding weekend off.
I enlisted the help of other family members (asked, not demanded help) and didn't even think a thing about the other moms doing nothing. They are physically fine, but emotionally stunted. I will take physical disability any time over an emotional disability.
Michelle, you have nothing to be worried about. The family has the problem not you!
I think one of the problems we have with this disease if the waxing and waning. People see us one day being able to walk and do things and the next we can't.
Good luck!
Well Neasy I guess I was off topic except that the comment was for and about Michele.
I totally understand! We are programmed to do it all, no matter
how we feel...put on a happy face, blah blah blah... I think the
wrist thing is a great idea. Also, I'm sure that they will notice
the swelling, and that your mobility isn't as great as it was.. then
they may understand !!
By the way, I don't know what bil is... is it Bill, a person, is bil a
short version of something ... I'm not connecting the dots..
Vickilee....bil is brother in law.
Peace & Love...Neasy
Michele - I think your topic header says it all "making". You just cannot make people understand, just like you can't fix stupid as Ron White says. Wear the brace and a tiara and look bil dead in the eye and say congratulations. Then limp off, find a great chair with a good view of the party, and enjoy yourself.
Cathy, that is perfect!vickilee, bil is brother in law...
Great advice everyone!!! I like the cat fight comment!Michele,
I too think you should wear your brace to spare your hands and to let people know you have an illness. You can't hide it anymore, may as well take advantage of it. I also think that, if you are limping, you should be using a cane when you are in a large group of people to avoid a fall. My husband insisted that I use a cane in motels and church and large gatherings so people take more care not to bump into me and I recover more easily when I lose my balance. Let them know you have something wrong! It's nothing to be ashamed of...
Kathy
I am sorry, Michelle. ((((((Hugs))))))
I say wear the wrist braces, and then attach a sticker or piece of paper to them that says something like ....
"I was walking my pet mountain lion and he pulled to hard on the leash and ripped my wrists out of joint!"
I'm sorry to hear that BIL is such a jerk, but I'm glad that your contact with him is limited. I wouldn't care what he thinks of you to be honest. He sounds very self-centered and it's all about HIM. If someone told me they weren't well and needed to restrict their activities, I'd try to accomodate them as much as humanly possibly and certainly not try to pile MORE on them or make them feel GUILTY! Most compassionate, caring, normal people would do the same. Clearly, BIL is not one of them. I hope his fiance knows what she is getting herself into.
A lot of people will think that if you look healthy (ie. not gaunt) and can work full-time, how sick could you BE? They don't understand the reality of it...that you work b/c you have to and collapse in pain each night you get home from bed. I feel for you and hope you get through the weekend ok. Don't feel the need to apologive to anyone. As for the handshake, if someone sticks their hand out to shake, you can simply say "Oh, I'm not feeling well, I'd better keep my distance". They could think you have a cold and appreciate you keeping your distance, thus no need to explain for the zillionth time what RA is, and how it's not the arthritis they think it is.
ok this is just me bein silly but we could get one of those RA shirts made up all dressy like that says something like " I have RA back off" hehehe it was a thought....Juliara said "A lot of people will think that if you look healthy (ie. not gaunt) and can work full-time, how sick could you BE? They don't understand the reality of it...that you work b/c you have to and collapse in pain each night you get home from bed"
Take care
Good for hubby that he stood up for you on the phone. It is sad that his family refuses to understand or try to learn about your illnesses.
Try not to look at it as a long miserable weekend, but a nice break from your normal routine. Yes, you have that (miserable) wedding to attend, but if during any part of it you are feeling poorly, go back to the hotel and soak in the tub or swim. Let hubby know ahead of time of your back up plans and make sure you have the phone # of a cab service or your hotel's shuttle #. Maybe while they are all off setting things up, you can steal away for a pedicure or massage - anything to pamper yourself :)
Best of luck and I hope it turns out to be an enjoyable weekend for you!
Good thinking owieded! I did tell hubby that I have the right to bail at any time and go back to the hotel. I will be sure to ask about the shuttle or cab number when we check in and keep it with me! I AM looking forward to the swimming pool and they do have a hot tub next to the pool as well!!! Think they would kick me out if I dumped some mr. bubble in there???? I think we all need one of those shirts, "I have RA, back off!" They should be given out upon diagnosis.