Hi everyone,
I am a very solo parent of a five year old daughter. I really struggle to help her understand what is going on with Mommy. She comprehends it in some ways, like she will be careful how she gets on my lap so as not to hurt me but in other moments she, of course, doesn't get it. Especially why Mommy can't keep up.
Recently she has been having tantrums where she hits out physically at me...this is not good when my whole body hurts.
Today, my pain had been less than it had in six weeks...great day, then I said, "No, ice-cream for dessert." Well, child threw herself bodily across the room into the middle of my body...ouch...
I'm sorry that I don't have an answer on this but I can certainly commiserate with you. I have 2 yr old that has realized if she lays flat on the ground, Mommy can't pick her up. So, when she doesn't want to go to bed or stop playing, this is what she does. This action is very frustrating to me and makes me realize how limiting having RA is. Usually I can find another way to do things or have tools, like reachers to accomodate my limitation. However, I haven't found another way or a tool strong enough to pick a 2 yr old up off the floor.
I've tried to explain that it's not okay to do that but she's so young, she doesn't understand.
I taught preschool for 5 yrs and ran my own licensed home daycare for another 10 yrs. Keep in mind all children are different and comprehend at different levels.. My first thought is to include them in your illness and make them your helpers. Maybe do something like buy washable markers and allow them to make a happy face (or a dot for younger ones) on your hands if they are feeling good, a red mark for your hurting parts. Time out or sending them to their rooms for hurting you is completely appropriate, but more importantly is to catch them being "good". For mine, we had a sticker chart on the fridge. When they got 5 stickers they got to check out 5 books at the library. (we went once a week) When they got to 20 stickers, they earned a trip to the book store to pick one out for their own collection at home. I taught them early on, if they behave, they will get most anything they want, if they don't, they get nothing. Believe me, they learned very quickly. Everything they have, they have earned and they are in no way spoiled. They each threw one tatrum, and quickly discovered it did not work and they never tried it again. As they got older, my eldest slammed his door in my face, so I took the door off the hinges and put it up in the garage for 6mo. He learned his lesson. They are now 16 and 18. Last night my 16 year old said "mom, you never yelled at me or spanked me when I was little" I said "nope, never needed to, you're a great kid!" he just beamed
I wish you luck with your little ones. If I can be of any help feel free to ask! hugs to you all!
Steph, when your daughter lays down on the floor and refuses to go to bed, tell her if you have to pick up her toys, they will become your toys, if she still doesnt, you pick em up and put them away in your room. Tell her you will read her a book if she gets in her bed, if she refuses, turn off all the lights, lock up and tell her goodnight and crawl into bed and read a book or magazine and completely ignore the fact she is on the floor. I think she'll figure out very quickly that doing as she is asked is a better choice.
This is just one suggestion, I'm sure there are others here that have ideas they can share too!
Children act out a lot if they are frightened by what is happening to you. My daughter developed nightmares after I was diagnosed. She sobbed that she was afraid 'You can't protect me from monsters, you're too weak!" I knew right then I had to find a way to heal.
Talk to her about her fears. You'll be surprised what comes out.
Pip
I agree with owie on all points, kids learn pretty quickly, I have 5 kids total, 1 is grown, he is the only 1 that remembers me pre ra.
All of them are good about helping when I don't feel well, even if they grumble they will still help out because it's give & take. But my nefew (we have had him since 8mo old) is the only button pusher (my Dad's personality) when he was about 2, everytime we went outside he would run away, laughing, because he knew I couldn't catch him, someone else would have too. Not a problem on this street, it's safe, but he did it when I was alone
He finally figured out if he wanted his freedom again, he would have to obey rules.
He is 6 now, still pushes limits but he knows who the boss is.
I's hard being a parent with RA, you can't always rest when you need to, & you always have to be creative, so they don't out smart you, but we will have the most compationate kids ever! I see that with their friends- they never thought of helping with a grocery bag before they hung out here! Now they try to be the 1'st to help when something is needed. Kids love to be praised for something they've done good!
Wow, great posts. I have 6 kids (only one left at home now) and I agree with a system that Owie suggested. I found "kits" in bookstore and teacher supply stores.
I got one for ya'll. How do you reverse spoiledness? MIL has spoiled my daughter to no end. My daughter does not listen to much of anything I say, because she is so use to her granny picking up for her. I remember the time when I was the only person in the family "punishing" my daughter, everyone else would give her her way no matter what. I would say no and one of them would give in. I stopped trying to taylor my child to how I thought she should be as a person. I stopped making her say please, thank you, excuse me, yes mam, no mam, yes sir, no sir, and anything else I was thought by my mother in being a respectful. She now has no manners, she will interrupt you when you are talking, she knows she will get her way if she goes to her granny, she will even tattle-tell on me and hubby for "punishing" her.
I know my daughter is not as bad as I make her out to be, but she is not who I wanted her to be. I wanted her to respect her elders, respect everyone, have manners, do what she is told the first time, not to whine when she does not get her way, and everything else that just makes my blood boil because they have taught her it was ok to act like that.
I know I am part to blame because I stopped trying to go again the forces of in-laws and hubby. But when you are out numbered you have to know when to fold them, and well it was getting to the point that I cussed my MIL out and things have never really been the same between MIL & I since. It caused a lot of arguments and problems the more I tried to do what I thought was the way a kid was to be raised... with manners and respect.
Now, here she is 9 years old and complains about everything like she is a flippin teenager! And she does not listen to what I have to say one bit. It annoys me, and she is always up in my business. Like if I ask her to pick up the livingroom, she will say something like why can't you do it? Or if I tell her to do something it will literally take her hours to do it and then she is not even done.
I have tried taking her stuff from her and not letting her go with her friends or anything else, but she does not care.
I am holding strong on how my son should act, I am not going to give in, because I do not think I can take another kid like my daughter.
MIL the last couple of years has been trying to get my daughter to "Act right". But she is too late, she has ruined my daughter. Maybe something will change my daughter, but it is not going to be me, I have tried and have failed.
I guess I am just really a bad parent.
You are not a bad parent! and it's never too late. You first need to get together with hubby and work as a team. This is very very important. Your daughter will soon be a pre-teen with all those hormones racing through and if you don't get things under control now, it can get much worse as she gets older. Together, you and hubby need to agree on how to parent her - chores, manners, etc. and reward/punishment for her behavior. Most importantly, you guys need to be consistent. Accept no back talk. My boys are 16 and 18. We still have a chore chart on the fridge. If they ask to do something, I go over the chore chart with them. They cannot go anywhere or have anyone here until it is done. If they ask to do something I do not want them doing and I say no, and tell them why. If they try to argue, I say "that's one day" (meaning can't go out tomorrow) if they fuss again, I say "that's 2 days, wanna try for 3?" they learned quick. I expect them to keep their rooms clean and one time older son left his cereal bowl in his room(full of gunky milk) and dirty clothes on the floor, so hubby unmade his bed put the clothes and cereal bowl (with milk) in his bed and put the comforter over it all. It made quite a mess when he went to bed that night, but he learned his lesson, lol.
Once you and hubby come to an agreement, you both need to talk to grandma and let her know what the rules are for her and if grandma works against you, you may have to limit her time with her. It's ok for grandma to spoil her, but the rules at your house should be the same at grandma's.
If she takes hours to get something done you have asked of her, that leaves her less time to do what she wants. Tell her you need her to get whatever it is that needs doing done in a certain amount of time, then you will take her to park, library, mall, whatever...at the end of the week. Do not allow back talk. If she say's "why can't you do it' tell her backtalking will earn her an extra chore - here it is scooping dog poop in the backyard. When I tell them to clean their rooms, i give them 30 min. then I go in with a trash bag and pick up all the little stuff and out to the trash it goes.
Believe it or not, we have an awesome relationship. My boys' friends all want to hang out here because I make it very fun for them. I put a small fridge in their room with the playstation and i load the room with snacks. The only rule is they can't leave during the night and in the morning they all have to clean my house. We can get it done in 10 min with everyone helping. They all call me mom :)
I have found that being very clear helps my 5 and 1 1/2 year old. first no NEVER ever grab mommys knees or thumbs period.
With the older one I have explaned that "mommy has a sickness in my bones and joints that makes them hurt and sometimes get all swollen. no she cant catch it, but like other sicknesses sometimes I need extra rest time."
she has accepted that vvery well. when I seem tireder or acheier she will suggest we all go to my bed and play quietly.. just with stuffed animals ettc.
The little guy is learning. he gets hugs when hes gentle and we talk about "make nice or be gentle".. and its working.
No joonie your not a bad parent, just a tired one, but please don't give up, she's a strong willed 9yr old. Kids hear you even when you think they're not, & they really do want boundries (believe it or not).
Listen to owie & get hubby on board, you can turn this around!!
And don't feel bad - everyone feels like a failure as a parent now & then, with or without RA
Hi Cordelia,Dont be too hard on yourself,your child will learn in time.Good morning all,
Theses are all some great ideas that like Cordelia, I will be using with my 2 yr old. I've been looking for some information like this with Moms that have RA and children. The pediatrician recommended that my daughter and I go to a playgroup because she's an only child and there are many years between her and the youngest cousin. So, I tried one run by a group here. Instantly, I saw issues with the playgroup at least for me. It's held an a school and they don't close the doors between the school and the playgroup room. Not a problem for an able-bodied parent but for me that was because I have a very curious 2yr old who likes to run. First playgroup, she discovered the open door and off she went down the corridor with me waddling along after her trying all the words I could think to get her to come back. It's funny now but then I was concerned that I would be chasing her down those corridors until September when school started. I'm buying a harness for her so we can safely go to the park and other activities outdoors like the zoo however don't want to put her on one in playgroup. Fortunately, her father has visitation on playgroup day so the three of us go together so she can interact with other children and I don't have to worry about her getting away.
Joonie, I know how difficult it can be going up against a strong-willed MIL. Mine would give my little one all kinds of food and drinks that I don't give her at home. Soda, cookies etc. I asked several times for her not to give her Coke at 1 because the caffeine would make her crazy. Of course, it was to no avail. You're not a bad mother and I agree that it's not to late to get your daughter back on track. Hubby does have to set the rules down for his mother. I've found that it was easier having hubby talk to his mother that if I tried. Even though MIL and I had a good relationship, I was still the woman who stole her son and having me tell her she wasn't doing something right made it an insignificant point with her. When my hubby told her, she took it a little more to heart and actually stopped giving my daughter soda and other energy increasing snacks. Don't put yourself down! There are enough people in the world that will do that for you.
Great advice from everyone!!!!
Mary...my girls will ask me for things while I'm napping because they know that they have a better chance of me saying yes because I just want them out of my hair because I'm sleeping dang it. LOL.
I just wanted to add one thing I feel is really important in raising kids. Give them boundaries. Without clear and concise boundaries kids tend to feel all weird on the inside. It is hard to describe. We have always given the girls clear and concise boundaries from the time they could well...basically...crawl and get into things. Boundaries keep children safe from harming themselves and also from being harmed. Boundaries also give children the self control and self esteem that they so desperately want and need. Also give clear and concise consequences for behavior that is inappropriate. A lot of times...natural consequences work very well. You just have to explain them to the kids.
Having only girls that I raised I see so many other teenage girls just make horrible choices in life. I have had parents say to me...I don't know what happened...I gave her everything she wanted. I never ever told her she couldn't do something. I never disciplined her if she was mad at me and treated me poorly I just figured she was showing me how she felt and that was ok. Which it is as long as it is done appropriately. I always got her out of any trouble she was in. And now that teenager is either pregnant, is a teenage mother, or into drugs. And the parents don't understand why.
If you have a child that expresses their anger towards you by hitting you that is something you can change in a positive way and they still get their feelings out. Sometimes kids can't put into words what they are really feeling so all they know is I am hurt and I am going to hurt you back. And they way they do that is thru violence. Never ever let your children hit you. One day they will be bigger than you and hurt you or hit the wrong person and they will be very sorry. And importantly they will have no respect for authority and that is just whew lots of trouble. We have to teach kids how to verbally express what they are feeling. Once you put the word to their feelings they catch on pretty quickly. Let them know that hitting is NOT the right way to express how they feel. Give them the words since they don't really know them. Get eye level with them and say to them....I see that you are feeling angry with what mommy just said to you. You are not allowed to hit mommy but you can talk to mommy about what is making you angry and then we can work this out together. To this day my kids will come to me and tell me what is bothering them. They are pretty good at telling me just about everything. Even that TMI stuff no parent wants to know but needs and should know about their kids lol. This also gives you an instinct on how your kids are feeling no matter how much they try to hide it. Danielle once said to me...Mom...how is it that you know how I'm feeling even when I don't??
It's a ton of hard work being a parent. Hardest thing besides marriage that I have ever done in my life. There are times I wish these kids came with handbooks lol.
Grammaskittles you are absolutely awesome!Cordelia,
I definitely wanted to have my daughter, Isabel, in a playgroup so she can lern how to interact with children and other adults also. And for me too. I just moved back to MA after living in FL for 4 years and need to meet some new mother friends. Luckily Isabel's dad has most Mondays off which is playgroup day so I plan on continuing and also, Isabel and I are planning a playgroup with a friend of mine who has a son a few months older than Isabel. She lives about an hour away however I think it would be well worth the drive so I can talk to her and Isabel can play with her son.
Thanks everyone for the great advice.