This question is on-topic, but the reason isn't. I was never in any denial about my conditions, and I've always been ready to go to the doctor, find out what's going on, and get treatment. My hubby has not. In February, he went to the doctor after years of no visits only because I harassed him for a very long time (starting with asking for his check-up as a wedding gift). He learned he has serious Type II Diabetes. He got a prescription and testing supplies, but never went back for the follow up appointment. Although he takes his prescription (most of the time), his glucose is totally uncontrolled. His blood pressure is high, he barely sleeps and he frequently doesn't feel well. Last week I begged him to go back to the doctor, I made him an appointment (he even likes this doctor) and he promised he would go. The appointment was today; he never went. The excuses for why don't really matter.
So I'm asking all of you...if you were in denial, what got you past it? What made you see the need for treatment?
You can't make someone do what they don't want to do, so short of clubbing him over the head and physically dragging him there, I'm at a loss. I've given him every reason I could think of. I just don't know what more I can do.
Alan
Well, you and I have talked about this before. You can't really make anyone stop denying a health issue.
I hate to tell you this, but short of him passing out from the uncontrolled blood sugar and waking up in the ICU...he isn't going to do squat no matter how much you tell him you love him and want him around for a very long time, get angry, make his appointments, nag, beg, plead, etc.
Try leaving some brochures around about diabetes etc. Do some internet research on what can happen if he does not control his blood sugar. Like amputations...blindness...etc.
Hi, I don't know. I lived with self-destructive people my whole life (alcohol was their choice), and honestly I don't have a clue about what to 'do'. Your own health is a very personal thing, but in a family (he has to think of others, what happens to him affects everyone!), but I'm sure you've said all this.....nagging probably doesn't help. (I've done tht to my son about chewing tobacco!! he says he can't StOP, ugh).
I hope you can think of something to get through to him you love him and want him to be well. Lynda
Well, for me it is fresh. Like, still warm fresh. I could not deny that their was something wrong with me. One day I was my normal self and within a week I was a swollen mess. My problem was with the diagnosis. I just could not see myself with a crippling disease. I still can't picture it in my mind. All I can think is..no way, that's not gonna be me. But what is true is true whether I can picture it or not, regardless of how real or unreal it seems. For every little thing that came up that pointed to RA, I rationalized it away. I had a whole explanation of what was "really going on" ( I won't bore you with the details) but you can't ignore the facts forever. They finally stacked up so I high and my theory took too many "what if's" to reasonably try and support anymore. And I saw that what my theory really boiled down to was this "this just can't be". Well, at best that is a very weak argument. So I guess what really snapped me out of it was that the truth was so in my face, to deny it any longer would just be utter foolishness. I don't guess that will help your husband, but for what it's worth, there it is.
Linda
I have no idea how much help I'll be here, but I guess sometimes the only help a person can give is to tell their own experience. I have a WONDERFUL dear friend, who just *has* to learn everything the hard way. 50% of the time it's because he's in denial about the situation, and the other 50% he's just that clueless. He is *that* stubborn, that it takes a MAJOR slap in the face for him to wake up. As much as I hate to admit it, because I love him dearly, I don't see this changing for him. That's quite simply, just who he is. He stayed in an INCREDIBLY destructive relationship for over a YEAR before he finally admitted to himself that it was wrong - the slap in the face that made him finally leave? She cheated on him (not the first time from what the rest of us know, but the first that he'll admit to -DENIAL!) and TOLD HIM about it to his face. And yes, I do believe that if she hadn't said anything, he would have kept right on in that relationship.I AM GOING TO BE VERY BLUNT- MY FATHER WASNT SO MUCH IN DENIAL BUT HE DIDNT KEEP DOCTORS APPOINTMENTS AND NEVER WENT FOR TREATMENT WHEN HE WAS SUPPOSED TO.HE DROPED DEAD IN MY SISTERS GARDEN IN FRONT OF MY MUM FROM A HEART ATTACK.( IT WAS HEART PROBLEMS THAT HE WAS IGNORING) IT WAS SO SAD BUT LATER WE FOUND OUT HE HAD FAILED TO KEEP 3 APPOINTMENTS FOR ECHO CARDIOGRAMS, SCANS AND BLOODS.THIS MADE ME SO ANGRY AS HE MAY HAVE BEEN SCARED OR DENYING THINGS BUT NOT HALF AS SCARED AS MY MUM WAS WHEN HE DROPPED DEAD AT HER FEET.
YOUR HUBBY NEEDS TO THINK OF HIS FAMILY IF HE WONT THINK OF HIS HEALTH. I HAVE A FRIEND WHO HAS JUST LOST A LEG (SHE IS ONLY 30) FROM UNCONTROLLED DIABETES-SHE SAID SE WISHES SHE HAD LOOKED AFTER THE SYMPTOMS AND MEDICATION BETTER.
Yeah, I tend to lay the guilt trip, so to speak on my hubby when I think he needs to go to the doctors office. I usually just tell him that he needs to do it for his kids. Which is what he does most of what he does for anyways is for his kids.
Sometimes I do tell him I am going to tell his mom. Because he knows she will badger him to go until he goes.
Mine is not in denial about anything that I know of, but he does not like change, so if a doctor does find something wrong with him, more than likely change is in order.
I hope you can get your hubby to go to the doctor soon. Maybe talk him into going for a physical? I usually tell mine he is going for a physical, which works sometimes, but he has not been for one in a couple of years.
I'm with Liz. Sometimes scare tactics are the only way to get through someones denial. Graphic photos of vascular disease, gangrene, amputation, information on kidney failure, blindness, heart disease. I don't know about in the US but in Australia they use these types of graphic ads in their anti-smoking campaigns and drink-driving campaigns. It might be the only way to get through, if it scares him enough he might just get his act together and start looking after himself. That's what it has to be, he has to start looking after himself, you can't look after him if he won't do his part.
Cordelia...AMEN SISTER!!!! You really hit the nail on the head when you said mentally walk away from it.
My husband is not the best about being compliant with what the doctor lays out for him for treatment for anything. Then he crabs at me that I am cold and callous because I have *no* sympathy for him whatsoever. I finally told him...when you follow doctors orders I will be sympathetic, empathetic, and help you in any way possible. Til then...bite my shiney hiney. Yes, I actually told him to bite my shiney hiney lol. I was also making MYSELF nuts trying to get him to be compliant. This actually worked for me. He is now compliant and follows what the doc says to a "T".
Leave brochures at his favorite reading place about diabetes. He should know that uncontrolled diabetes can cause a heart attack, blindness, all sorts of problems. He won't tell the complications at first, but give it 5 to 10 years and the wearing of internal organs and nerves of his body will find him regretting his denial, and asking why did I wait soooo long? He could have a good quality of life for a long time if he went to dr., stayed on his meds, and controlled his eating habit. As it is, he like a long distance runner who is using all his energy (not taking care of his diabeties) at the beginning of the race (life) and will give out (physically) mid way through the race. I don't mean to be harsh, and if this is, please, I am sorry. Could you find some DVD's on the interent to watch with him that explain the long term affects of uncontrolled diabeties?? I sure hope he wakes up!!Thanks, everyone, for all your thoughts. I have tried many things...rational arguments, begging, scaring (he knows about all the complications), guilting, saying I work so hard on my health and now I need you to work on yours, telling him I don't want to be mad at him when he dies because he robbed us of time together, and I have also walked away from it and left it there for him to deal with. I guess this latest push of mine came from a male colleague with the same condition whose dr just gave him a wake up call, and the colleague was telling me to drag him there if I have to, just make the appt, don't ask. I knew better, I know I can't drag him there, but I still made the appointment, told hubby why and that he needed to go, and he agreed. But then yesterday he didn't go and made excuses.
I know I can't make him. I know in my heart that nothing I say or do is going to get him to the doctor. But at the moment, it's the only thing on my mind and I can't let it go.
Many men are like it. They seem to be scared of doctors and hospitals. I know , tell your hubby you will send the members of AI round to visit him if he doesnt get his butt to the doctors
I really hope he goes soon for both of you.
Take care
Thanks Gramma, yep you can drive yourself crazy trying toGramma had some good suggestions as always. Do you know anyone that it a diabetic that would be willing to talk to your husband? Perhaps someone that has it that could explain the pros and cons might be helpful....I dunno. As afraid as I was to know what was wrong with me, I eventually got tired of being in pain and feeling like crap every day and wanted to feel better. It might just take the ICU scenario for him wake up although I certainly hope it doesn't have to go that far. Wishing you the best.
Peace & Love...Neasy
MEN! I have nothing further to add, what an awful situation he has put you in though. His is being totally selfish when he has a family who needs him. Love and hugs, I hope he comes to his senses sooner rather than later.Over the weekend I asked him about Social Security and what they would pay me if he passed away first. He was looking it up on the website and completely in the mode of "you'll be taken care of when I'm gone". When he looked up from the computer, I was crying and he was dumbfounded.
When he asked me what was wrong, I told him that he isn't taking care of himself and that I'm afraid we'll lose time together, or he'll end up disabled and miserable. When he said he didn't want to be a burden on anyone (I know he doesn't think I'm a burden, and I would never think he's a burden), I said then you have to take care of yourself, I can't do it for you. He said that he would when he was ready. I reminded him it's been months since he first saw the doctor and said he would go back, and that I don't want him to run out of time.
All I can do is tell him how scared and upset I am. I told him that I would check my blood with him twice a day if it would help. I hope he decides to do something before it's too late.
Sorry hubby is being so stubborn, mine is that way, as is my brothers and father. With all of them, I ask blunt questions like "do you have life insurance? Do you have a will? how about a living will?" They all think I am a PITA, but for the most part, it has worked. A couple of months ago I asked my dad what I should do for mom (she's blind and very dependent on him) when he dies, cuz he's gonna , and does he want to be buried or cremated, etc. and that got him to the dr for a check-up for the first time in like 25 yrs. :) He calls me a pain in his "arse" but whatever it takes! I'm definitely a daddy's girl....