More Humor | Arthritis Information

HOW TO INSTALL A REDNECK A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM

    1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16
        work boots.

    2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans,

        a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.

    3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.

    4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and
        Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour.
        Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they got the mailman this morning and
        chewed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but it was hard to
        tell with all the blood.

    PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside.

Subject: Honeymoon

Please excuse the rough language in the following story...I would have deleted them, but the story wouldn't be the same.
...................
A young couple got married and went on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
...................
"Well," said her mother, "so how was the honeymoon?"
...................
"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language - things I'd never heard before! I mean all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to take me
home...
PLEASE MAMA!"
...................
"Sarah, Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! You need to stay with
your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful? WHAT 4-letter words?"
..................
"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so
embarrassed, they're just too awful! COME GET ME, PLEASE!!"
.....................
Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your
mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mama...he used words like: dust, wash,
iron, and cook."
........................
"I'll pick you up in twenty minutes," said the mother.

THE PERFECT DRESS

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Nothing could dampen her excitement -- not even her parents' nasty divorce. Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother! Jennifer asked her step-Mom to exchange it, but she refused. "Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it," she replied.

Jennifer told her mother, who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart, I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."

A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it." Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night before the wedding."

NOW I ASK YOU - IS THERE A WOMAN OUT THERE, ANYWHERE, WHO WOULDN'T ENJOY
THIS STORY?

Thought for the Day...

Handle

every situation like a canine....

If you can't Eat it or Screw it,

Piss on it and Walk Away.

These computers have always confused me. Now I understand them a little better.

The Japanese have finally revealed a mystery.

How does the small arrow on your computer monitor work

when we move the mouse? Haven't you ever wondered how it works?

Now, through the miracle of high technology, we can see how it is done.

With the aid of a screen magnifying lens, the mechanism becomes apparent.

Click on the link below and you will find out.

The image may take a minute or two to download and when it appears,

slowly move your mouse over the light gray circle and you will see how the magic works.

Be sure and move your mouse around. Stop it in the middle of the screen as well & click - this is amazing!

Follow this link and find out the truth!

http://www.1-click.jp/

if all else fails just cut & paste into your brower. it is worth seeing!

marian39297.4745486111
For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you

Very funny!!!!