Ok... so... MIL comes over yesterday before she went to work. She told me that Nanna aka the walking turd aka grooms grandma, called up SIL before they left for their honeymoon, and just talked about how they did not have pictures of SIL walking down the aisle with her bouquet.
We were all just trying to figure out what the heck she would have done with her bouquet once she got to the alter? She had no maid of honor, there was no best man. Just them, the preacher and their daughter. Was SIL suppose to had the preacher her bouquet to hold? Was she to give it to her daughter who already had her hands full with a microphone and her basket-o-flowers, was they to stick them in my niece's mouth so she could hold them?
So, yesterday MIL saw the walking turd at work, poor MIL works in the nursing home where the walking turd's sister is living. She stops MIL in the hallway told her how nice she looked and asked if she was having a good day... then... then.... she tells MIL ... "I just hate it that she did not have her bouquet when she walked down the aisle." MIL just smile and nodded and told her it was a beautiful ceremony regardless.
The old bag is obsessing over SIL walking down the aisle without her bouquet! I could see if SIL walked down the aisle with her gown tucked into her panty-hose or had a string of toilet paper stuck to her shoe following her down the aisle or even if SIL's boob popped outta the top of her dress and there was nipplage, BUT not that she did not have her bouquet when she walked down the aisle.
Crazy ol' bag I tells ya!
She is not elderly she is younger than my mother. The lady is in her late 50's to early 60's at most. THe lady is married to a man that looks to be in his late 40's? And her ex-husband is not but maybe in his mid 60's at most. My mom is 73.
Then she needs to knock it off!She sounds kind of like my MIL. She can easily be worried for a week and a half because the little one had no socks on. She still talks about how Sam wouldn't give David any $ for a pop when they were skiing and David forgot his money at home. That was at least 15 years ago and they were teenage step brothers. ANd those are just a couple of things. I could go on and on and on. I long ago came to the conclusion that she just can't be happy unless she's freaking out over something. Now I just blow off that and enjoy the good things about her. She really is a good women, and I do love her very much.Your telling me!I can always count on your posts to make me laugh.Hell she sounds like my mother! Nothing makes that woman happy... when my first son was 4 days old, she was at our house visiting. I was nursing the baby whenever he was hungry, and she told me that he should be on a schedule and that I had already spoiled him. She also told me that I should still be in the hospital because I had a c-section, and nursing was too hard on my body and that my uterus would fall out of my crotch in 20 years (???!!??). She also told me I needed to lose weight and get a haircut, otherwise my DH would steal the baby and abandon me. Needless to say, I showed her the door. She's a loon. We try to keep her involved with the kids, but she's so whacky that none of us can put up with her for very long!
Wonder what my kids say about me?????
Mine is the MIL too! When I had my first child (as well as the next two) she told me that if I nursed them after they were six weeks old my daughters would be lesbians and my son would be breast-obsessed. Well, she did get it right with my sonI think that when I call my mommy and she does not answer. I will call and call and call until she answers the phone. My sister is the same way when she calls our mom and she does not answer. My sister has went as far as calling to police station where our mom lives and asked them to go check on our mom. She has deployed the police to our moms house like 10 times in the last 3 years.
But then again our mom is 73 years old and lives in the old foogy apartments, and our mom calls where she lives "death row".
[QUOTE=babyjeepwoman]Mine is the MIL too! When I had my first child (as well as the next two) she told me that if I nursed them after they were six weeks old my daughters would be lesbians and my son would be breast-obsessed. Well, she did get it right with my son
One time the guy she made friends with that lived on her complex, he died in his apartment, and her and the other lady noticed they had not seen him for a couple of days. She had his spare key and went in and found him laying on the floor day. They said he had been dead for at least 3 days, he was already starting to turn black.
That is why she calls it death row.
EEEWWW GROSSS!!! But now I see where you get your warped sense of humor from. YOUR MOM
Good Answer Jasmine
Mom: Linda, I just called Sandy and she didn't pick up. Do you know where she is?
me: Well, mom, she didn't have to work today so she's probably still sleeping. I'm sure she's not dead.
Mom: I always call her at 7 and she didn't tell me not to last night though.
me: She probably just forgot mom. don't keep calling her, she's sleeping. You might wake her up.
Around 10 am
Mom: Have you heard from Sandy yet???
me: No mom, but I'm sure she isn't dead.
Mom: Then why hasn't she answered her phone?
me: Maybe she's still alseep or in the shower or had some errrands or doing something with the kids...she's ok mom, I promise you she's ok
mom: heavy sigh. I'm going to send bill (our brother) over there to check if she doesn't call soon.
Around Noon
Mom: Bill's on his way over there, but Sandy just answered the phone. She was was up late last night and she just woke up an hour ago (But she isn't rejoicing, she's pissed)
Me: Don't be mad at Sandy mom, all she did is sleep in on her day off. It's not her fault that you thought she was dead. You really gotta stop worrying like that mom.
Then Sandy calls me and tells me that mom just called with the happy announcement that she isn't mad at her anymore.
OMG Linda that's hillarious
I love you people's families.......
I wish I could contribute, but honestly when my mom tells me crazy stories about my fam, I tend to let it go in one ear and out the other.....it's just too much to keep up with anymore. LoL
Mona...that's so hilarious. Thanks for the good laughMy mother often says the wrong word for something, and it's usually pretty funny. My kids have always called her Granny, so her words are "Granny-isms". She calls all cell phones "cellophones" and the phone company Verizon she pronounces Verry Zon. She told me her next door neighbors recently put in a tambourine for their kids in the back yard, (she meant trampoline).
But my all time favorite was when she told me about her cousin's husband who had to go in for surgery and a had a sample sent in to check for cancer. She said "Oh, he's so nervous and anxious. He can't wait to get the results of his autopsy".
My mom is obsessed with her yard and does all the yard work in it herself, even though she is almost 79, which is very impressive. BUT that is the main focus of her life, and what most of our phone conversations are about. Each year she takes pictures of the bags of leaves she has bagged up for the town to pick up, and sends me the photos!
Ok... now hubby's grandpa who is 78... he fought in the Korean War. Well, when he talks about it he pronounces Korea as Korear. Yeah... we just smile when he says it.
Ok, this is a bit off because my sister is not old and this is from about ten years ago. We were on a sister trip down south and chartered a fishing boat. There were dolphins all around so our Captain gave us these little fish to put between out teeth (the tails) and lean over the side of the boat and the dophins came and took them out of our mouths. The funny part was later when Sandy was telling the story she was just getting these horrified looks from people but didn't know why. It turned out that she was just messing it up a little, telling people that we were putting CHUM in our mouths!!!My mother is the one in my family. She always picks something and will go on about it for AGES. And I do mean AGES. Her favourite is the story about the Australian soldiers during WWII ( I did say AGES). You see my husband is Australian. She always brings up the story of how no one wanted to billet the Aussies because they were so rude and crude. Somehow my husband is responsible for the behaviour of the soldiers. It seems to help her explain why Australians just are so uncouth and thats why she feels the need to explain her son in law. After all, he wasn't her choice...
Then there is always the one about how it was so proper of my girlfriend to get married in a little chapel at the reception centre because it would have been wrong for her to get married in a church because they had lived together. And she was SO glad that she didn't wear white....
Then there is the one about her cousin who kept bees and produced their own honey. BUT...they fed the bees sugar during the winter to keep them alive. So that must mean that the honey wasn't very good for you.....
And there is ALWAYS the one about how long suffering my brother is because his wife never cooks his dinner for him, and he walks home from work everyday. He has had such a hard life and its a credit to him that he hasn't left.....Well he loves her. Second, SIL has never liked to cook and my brother loves cooking. Third, he likes to walk home after work, its his exercise and wind down time.
I could go on but you get the picture. She just gets a bee in her bonnet and holds it hostage. My brothers just can't get their heads around it, we have a good laugh and move on....but mum stays put in her little world....
My mom thinks that summer ends on July 4, that the Beatles are responsible for the destruction of America (if you want to bug her, tell that it wasn't the Beatles, it was Elvis) that she can smell ladybugs, she won't make left hand turns, which can turn a short ride into a road trip, their is a building by my house she won't drive by, the best we can figure is that it's really big, female gynos are all lesbians, and what are women doing being doctors for anyway???? She would also drop everything if I needed her and I think she's the BEST mom in the whole world!!!My grandmother (dad's mom) was getting a bit senile in her later years. She had always been a bit on the whacky side (she believed everything she read in the supermarket tabloids!), but it got much worse towards the end. Once I was visiting her in the hospital when she was in for pneumonia. As I was entering her room, a young nurse was leaving in tears. I asked her what was wrong. She said my grandmother had accused her of messing up all of her veins when she tried to insert an IV. I went in and asked gram what the deal was. She told me that her veins had all been perfectly fine up until this hospital visit, and that sawed-off little sh*t of a nurse managed to f*ck up every single vein in her body. Apparently her IV problems had nothing to do with the fact that she was 88 years old and in poor health... it was that poor little Filipino nurse.Before she got her self up and running I went down and put a virus software on for her, firewall etc etc. She told my SIL that evening that I'd been down and put a wall of fire on her computer that eats all the bugs
I am ROFLMAO!!! This thread is cracking me up
My oldest sister has a way with words too, says just whatever like she calls a radiologist a radio-ologist, Winston Salem is always Wistom Salem....Feminine is Fenimun...thyroid is thyroy
[QUOTE=moana]
I am ROFLMAO!!! This thread is cracking me up
My oldest sister has a way with words too, says just whatever like she calls a radiologist a radio-ologist, Winston Salem is always Wistom Salem....Feminine is Fenimun...thyroid is thyroy
Tooo Funny.... just too funny. I even read your post with Kathy Griffth's voice reading it to me. It automatically done it because when I hear Jesus H. Christ I get Kathy Griffths voice saying it. One of my father's favorite expressions is "Jee-zuz H. Christ!" when something has gone awry. One time when the boys were 1.5yrs and 2.5yrs, dad was watching them for the afternoon. When I brought the boys home, my oldest (who was just learning to talk) belted out "Jesus, Harry and Grossus" when he got mad at his little brother for something. We were puzzled at first, until I remembered how dad always bellows "Jeee-zuz H. Christ" - all long and drawn out. So I guess to someone just learning how to talk, "Jesus Harry and Grossus" sounded close enough.
I grew up with Jesus H. Christ as well....BUT also.....Jesus, Mary & Joseph! I would bet anything that "Jesus Harry and Grossus is Jesus, Mary & Joseph.
Ok now I just want to watch "My Life on the D-List" LMAO!!! I keep getting Kathy Griffths voice in my head saying these darn phrases! Then I get the rest of her act after the phrase
Ok... I think I watch WAY TOO MUCH Kathy Griffth.
My mother was here for son's graduation and we had been out sightseeing the day before. We were sitting in the livingroom planning our day and mom announces that she didn't feel like going anywhere because "her balls hurt" of course we laughed until we were crying. She meant the balls of her feet, but with a houseful of teenage boys... well, need I say more?
[QUOTE=owiedeb]My mother was here for son's graduation and we had been out sightseeing the day before. We were sitting in the livingroom planning our day and mom announces that she didn't feel like going anywhere because "her balls hurt" of course we laughed until we were crying. She meant the balls of her feet, but with a houseful of teenage boys... well, need I say more?
[/QUOTE]My mom won't say penis, she calls it a "peanut"
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
You guys have just made my day! My husband is going to come in here to see if I'm okay. I keep laughing out loud all by myself.
These are the things we can share and laugh about. I sure wish I had a good one to add. My family tree is full of nuts, as they say. I'll be back when I have a contribution. In the meanwhile, thanks, again, everyone!
Love to all and
Nini
OMG this thread is awesome makes me know that i am not alone!!! I have LOTS of stories i could share, and i could go on and on. I shall only share a few though.
My great-uncle was in Vietnam and he has a metal plate in his head so lets just say hes not all there all the time. Well the days he would have to go to the VA hospital he would stop at my grandparents house afterwards cuase he insisted that the VA had people following him and he wanted to stop there so they wouldnt follow him anymore.
My grandfather...ohhh he is probably the funniest man I know. He was visiting a friend of his in the hospital and he had stepped into an elevator and there was this elderly couple already in it and he gets in, the doors close and he goes "Have I died and gone to heaven? Cause I see an angel" He really is the sweetest guy but he tells stories that by now i really beilve he thinks are true cause he has told them so many times. They are all fun and games but we have all heard them a billion times. He tryies to convince everyone that my grandmother is 20 years older then him (she really is 3 years younger then him) and that she robbed the cradle when they got married
Awww....grandpas are great, aren't they??I had an uncle in the hospital and while my dad was visiting him, my uncle said "watch this" He had a cup he was supposed to pee in, but instead poured his apple juice in it. When the nurse came to collect it she said "my, your urine is awfully dark" and he told her "well, let me run it through again" and drank it - completely freaking out the nurse. My dad laughed his *ss off...
Oh... Hubby's grandpa can tell ya some doozes. Like when he was in "Korear" he would trade a blanket for nookie. Yeah... not a good mental picture.
He also has this new thing he tells everyone... he has a picture of this teenage girl from his church in his wallet. He shows it to everyone and tells them that when she gets 18 they are getting married. It upsets MIL when he does that.
Oh and he has a "girlfriend" that he goes to visit every other friday and stays the night and comes back saturday. Well, MIL is kinda upset about that, as the woman he is "dating" is one of his dead brothers widows. Yeah... and the woman is in a wheelchair. And there for a while when he first started seeing her, he would come back and tell us all about the intimate details. For some reason, when he says he visited his girlfriend, I get this really bad mental pic of him sitting on the bed in his under-roos and looking over at a wrinkled old lady in the bed next to him. Yes, that is how detailed he got, That I got mental pics I cannot block!
Back in my granfathers (us grandkids call him papa cause when he first became a grandfather with me he said he was to young to be called grandpa) well he had his own insulation company and he would park his truck at a ladies house that up untill about 4 yrs or so ago I only knew her as "the warehouse lady" and he had been parking his truck there for a good 15 yrs or so. Well she had gotten really sick and ended up in the hospital need to have surgery on her kidneys as they were shuting down, she thought she could survive off Jello. Well my aunt had insisted that he was having an afair with this woman and threatened to kick them out of the condo that they live in. WERIDO lol
He also says that he could never live in NYC for 2 reasons, 1. You cant smoke anywhere (he smoke about 3 packs a day and has a clean bill of health surprisingly) and 2. He would be broke in a day because he would be giving all his money to the homeless people.
Sorry, no advice
OMG These are great, PLEASE don't stop!!!!
bump (let's keep this going)So... my mommy has surgery on her left eye the beginning of the week right? She had to wear this metal eye patch. She calls me up about 8pm, and says "This is annoying!" I said "What's annoying?" She says "I am trying to watch tv and it feels like I am looking at it thru a kaleidoscope. Oh not a kaleidoscope .... more like a strainer!" I told her "Well now you are just straining out all the bad stuff for you not to see." She laughed and said "Yeah, I guess. OH and I dropped my eye drops in the floor and they told me I could not bend over... now my eye drops are in the floor just looking at me." I told to pick them up with her toes. She said she would try. SO we got off the phone so she could try