OT - Venting - Are we crazy??? | Arthritis Information

 

So.

Justin talked to his mom last night.

 

She doesn't WANT to do the chemo, so she just doesn't think she'll go. *blinks*

Seriously?

He's so upset with her. She couldn't even tell him WHY she didn't want to do it. She said she wants to come down here to see the beach, and spend time with us. She's talking about doing that next month, and she actually TOLD HIM "since I know I'm not going to be around for christmas"

 

ARRRRGGGHHHHH

Before Justin was dxed with Chrons, they were sure he had lymphoma(sp) - it's actually a common mistake when dxing Chrons. Anyway, they started him on Chemo....we think maybe seeing him go through it, and remember HERSELF going through it the first time she had cancer, is why she's "not" doing the chemo now.

I really just don't even know what to do. I don't know what to say, I don't even know what the hell I'm supposed to feel.

 

I'll tell you what I do feel though. I'm pissed. I'm pissed that it feels like she's being so selfish, and not thinking about her ONLY SON who wants very much for her to be around for a while longer - DESPITE the way she treats him. (which is generally not very well)

*sigh* Someone bounce some ideas off me or something please, I feel like I'm caught in the damn twilight zone here.....

OH OH OH AND my mother is STILL being horrible about everything. I told her about not taking the job and she blamed it on his mother. O.o

We WERE thinking about going to WI for Christmas - both of us - and now it's not happening. I refuse to sit through that crap. How akward to drag Justin up there and have my parents behave like that to him.

Should I come right out and tell my mom that this is it and eventually I'm marrying Justin and that's the last word anyone's going to have about it. Or what? I don't really talk to my mom about our relationship, but I DO talk about how much I care about him, and how close we are and how happy were are. I guess I was kinda hoping she'd get the hint......

yea I think you need to tell your mother just that.  That you are going to marry Justin and why the job isnt the right thing at this moment.  She is just going to have to deal with the fact that you are an adult and you are going to be doing whats best for everyone in your family (you and Justin) and not just what you want just for you anymore.  I hope that Justins mom changes her mind abou the Chemo.  Maybe there is more to it then what she is saying?

There probably is more too it. She's never been very good at getting info across, especially medical. She's always really confused about things.

My mom is frustrating because half the time she treats me like I'm 12, and the other half she treats me like I'm 40. Just a small example, I told her today that I was going to send her some pictures, but I wanted Justin to take one of me with the pigtails that I do with my new hair style. She repeated the word "pigtails" with an incredible amount of disgust in her voice. I told her it was cute and she just said "okay. whatever"

Am I crazy?

When my father was told he had cancer, he was told there were a few things that could be done to prolong his life, but they were not sure how long that would be.  Could be a few months, could be even a year.  He decided not to have any procedures done.  I never once thought of him as being selfish.  I remember my uncle (my father's brother) was saying we needed to talk him into trying something to keep him here longer.  I told my uncle that it was up to my father and noone else.  My father was only 61 and I would have loved for him to be with us longer.  He died 15 years ago and even now as I type this I have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes...I mention this because I want you to know that I was very close to my father...he was someone who was always there for me so him deciding to let nature take it's course was very hard on me and my family, but in the end I knew that it had to be up to him....noone else. Never once did I ever think he was selfish...in fact he was the total opposite to all that knew him.

Don't be too hard on her decision Katie....I guess we have to be in that situation to fully understand.  I know it's hard though...but try not to add anger to the mix...it's not good for anyone.

Maybe Justin needs to have a really good talk with her...so he can tell her how he feels and she then can tell him how she's feeling...but when it all comes down to it, it's up to her.

Hope this helps a bit,

Kelly

Oh and btw...there WILL be anger...what I meant was...don't let it get so bad that it takes over.

Thanks Kelly. This is all really hard on us both. I think there's a lot of guilt, and about 800 other emotions surrounding this diagnosis. As sick as this may seem.......when she goes it's going to be a chance for Justin to have a fresh break, and a clean start on his OWN life. It could be a blessing in disguise. And at the same time, you can't ever not love your mom, so this whole thing is tearing him apart. You're SUPPOSED to love your mom, and he does. But he also carries a lot of resentment for her. There are a lot of things in his life that should have NEVER gone down the way they did.

I forgot to take my medicine this morning, and my head is SWIMMING today. It's so strange. I'm so glad today is my friday, I'm going to absolutely veg out tonight. I need it.

Honey don't be angry with her, this was a decision that wasn't easy for her.  Give her sometime she may change her mind but this is her decision for now and I know it is hard but you have to respect her wishes.  I have been through this with my aunt that I adored, she basically told the family she didn't want chemo that she wanted to go home and be left alone by the drs to live out what life she had and this woman was an RN.  She had gone through so much pain while in the hospital she said  enough was enough.  All I can say about your mom is to tell her to please back off and give you some breathing room.  You have alot to deal with and you don't need the pressure from her right now.  My prayers are with you and I will keep you in my thoughts Katie.  xoxoxoxo  meme

I DID explain all of that to my mom, thats what kills me about it. As soon as I said I wasn't going to do the job, she stopped listening. That was it for her. She's never been one who lays out how she feels either, she hints at things and says a lot of "well maybe..." and "well you know if..." Which is VERY irritating to me, because you know me, and you know I just throw it out there! LOL

Sometimes I wonder how I turned out like I did, because my parents can be SUCH polar opposites.

I still love you hon xoxoxox

 

Thanks! :)

Katie,

I know first hand how hard it is to lose a parent.  My mother died in September.  I also know how frustrating it is to see someone you love and care make decisions not to improve their health situation.  Only that person and God knows why they've made that choice.  I can understand both Justin and your frustration at his mother's choice not to do chemo.  But I also know this.  No amount of badgering or anger is going to change her mind.  Try, as hard as it may seem, to enjoy whatever time the two of you have left with her.  Unfortunately, once they're gone, that's it.

As for your mother, I feel that some parents have no idea how to treat us once we're grown.  And sometimes it's hard to let go. 

I wish the best for all of you. 

 

Hugs

Thank you guys. A LOT!

It's hard because I don't want to dump all of this on Justin, I feel like I need to be a bit more stable than he is, and be prepared to help him when he comes to me. Venting to you all, and hearing your experiences makes me a little more level, and feel a lot better. :)

A lot of mother's do that 'hinting' stuff, Katie. I think it is because they were brought up to be 'nice girls' who don't say what they think. 

*sigh* yeah.

The few things in life that mom and I have had issues on, I've finally gone over the edge with her and just told her how it was. She'd get mad, hang up, then call me back a day later and say "you know, you're right"

*rolls eyes* Blah!

Yeah, Katie, I soooo know that stuff with mothers.

hi, it sounds real honest to me. Your mother is honest, you are honest...but that's not always easy. For what it is worth, my mother had cancer, went through the operation (it was a success), but she died in a 'nursing home' a month later. She looked fine, talked okay to me before the operation, but had insurance for cancer treatmen!! ...the doc did it! I don't know the whole story, but it sounds like one of those 'the operation was a success, but the patient died!"

This is all so new to you, perhaps it will 'iron' itself out better in a few weeks. I'm so glad you shared it here as people are so understanding. Lynda

I think it is honest too, Lynda, not always easy but honest. And it definitely gets easier the more you do it and the older you get.

And, Katie, although you may not see this now, your mothers feelings are valid, even if she doesn't need to worry, she is obviously feeling upset for some reason. If you can acknowledge those feeling for her, it may help her to listen to you.

I never said this would be cruisey...

Dearest Katie,

As a mom with a kid with a life long disease, I can understand your mom's protectiveness.  Mom's are crazy in love with their babies, and there is always a special bond to one that is sick or has been sick during their lives.  Sometimes with the bond we overstep, because we ALWAYS want our kids to do better, and have more than we ever had.  You are young and feeling a lot of emotions right now, so of course your emotions toward your mom are hightened too.  You do have to recognize that she LOVES you dearly, and you do need to be honest with the direction you are going.  Do not surprise your parents.  WE are OLD and our hearts are not what they used to be...LOL! 

As far as your mother in law, you cannot change any part of this disease, just like your parents could not change any of the outcomes of your disease.  My adopted dad was treated for stage four cancer for almost a year.  Oh my goodness how he fought and fought.  I knew from the moment that he was dx that he would not make it and I think he did too, but he fought anyway.  Watching him go through what he did, I promised myself that if there is no real hope for meaningful recovery, I who am still fighting through this disease would not go through treatment.  Justin's mom knows more than you think, and has probably talked to her doctors more than you think, yes she has a window of opportunity to change her mind, but the decision is HERS alone.  Nothing you or Justin can say or do about it.  Be there to support her through, we all know when our life here is over, and maybe she is right she will not be here for Christmas.  Let her come and be with her son, and let them develop a different bond.  Maybe she knows that her passing will help eliminate some of the scares that she caused. 

All this to say, your reaction is very normal and we NEVER want to lose our parents, but death is not something any of us will escape. 

Love ya lots!!!

Katie, I'm so sorry you are having to go through all this but I want to add
that it sounds like justins mom has done some thinking and has probably
come to accept what is happening. I'm sure the doctors have given her
plenty of information on quality of life vs quantity of life. She has cleary
chose quality and she is communicating to you that she wants to spend
every minute of the rest of her life, living, not suffering with chemo,
radiation and all the other therapies that go along with it. Take this time
she has left and make the most of it. My dad died when I was 16. He had
testicular cancer and in those days there was no cure, or any remissions.
And he went through hell during his chemo. The last year of his life was
of terrible quality and I'm sure he would have done things differently if
given the chance. We spent no quality time with him because he was so
sick. This does not make what you and justin are going through any
easier but justins mom has accepted what is going on and now wants to
enjoy the rest of her life. She is not being selfish, she is wanting to spare
justin and you the agony that you will go through watching her suffer and
she wants to feel good...and live each day. I see so much of this in my
work place and it is hard to watch people suffer because they have
decided to do chemo despite objections from their doctors. Please keep
us posted. I'm so sorry.

 

AH Katie hon I'm so sorry you're upset again

One thing I will suggest about your issues with your mom is to write her a letter about all the issues you have, and be as honest and open as you are with us (your friends). Then tell her to think long and hard on her reply. At least she can't interrupt you and say something rash. She seems to want the best for you so be patient

 

Katie, I'm truly sorry that you and Justin are going through this.  This is her decision. 

I have a feeling that she would like to share time with Justin and maybe make amends.  All you can do is support Justin and his mom's decisions.  As time goes on you'll know what you need to do and what your role is.  These times in our lives don't come with a script, you have to go with your gut instinct on what you need to say and do. Nothing can prepare you for these trying times. 

I feel that she's being very brave and truthful.  I hope that you and Justin take care of yourselves, you're going to need one another and all the energy you can muster between you.  Lindy 

Thank you all so much.

This is WHY I come here. :)

I talked to Justin about it some more tonight (seems like a daily thing now...) He wants her to come down to visit, and he isn't upset with her at all. We sat and talked about his childhood a lot. He told me things that upset him - at the time - and how he doesn't care about it now. He's gotten over a lot of it I think. He said basically that he knows his mom never planned him, and he doesn't think she was ever prepared for what having a son entailed. His grandmother was more of his mother to him, and she's already gone. He wants to try to enjoy the time left with his mom as much as he can. He then said he wanted to "do things right" with me and our future kids!!! :) How sweet is that? LoL

His biggest worry right now is that she won't ACTUALLY come down here. She does tend to be more talk than walk. I told him to call her, and start really talking about it. Call her while he was online looking at ticket prices, etc etc. He said he would, and I know he really will. It's up to her now to actually do it. Otherwise I guess we'll have to figure out a time to go up there. I'm not sure how that one would work.

Anyway, thanks again, I have no idea what I'd be doing without you all right now. He'd have committed me by now. LOL

It really sounds like Justin is dealing very well with everything.  He has an initial gut reaction to something, but then he does some serious thinking about things and is putting everything in perspective and finding peace.  He really is a special guy, and I can see why you love him. 

You two are  awesome together, and you'll be great parents.  You're just dealing with one of life's passages, and a time of rapid changes, so it's very hard right now.  There's so much coming at you at once, and I know you get overwhelmed, but you have done so well.  Just LOOK at all of the challenges that you have already faced in your young lives, and how you have grown through those challenges!

Don't worry about all the little stuff, the details, just go with it as it unfolds and accept it and grow with it.  That's where real peace comes from, is acceptance that there are some things over which we have no control, and that that is okay.  Our only control is over how we will use our time here,  and our love, and how we will learn and grow spiritually from the blessings and challenges along the way. 

I heard a great line the other night, and I know I won't get it exactly right, but it was something to the effect that:

    Don't look at your life as a human being having spiritual experiences, but rather, look at yourself as a spritual being having human experiences.

Thanks mom :) Katie, Ahhhh a Corona, you got your priorities right!  Lindy

Katie just to let you know I am still thinking of you how are you holding up??  xoxox  mmeme

But I want you to know that I'm with you and know how hard things have been for you lately. What Justin said about "doing it right" with you and whatever kids you two may have,  was so sweet. I have no doubt that you two belong together. It's wonderful that he has you beside him while he is facing this.

Just try to remember that if it looks like her cancer has spread and her time is limited, I'm sure she doesn't want to lose any of the time she has left, being sick from chemo. Many people, when faced with the inevitable, choose to have more quality time, rather than just extend their suffering.

Sending you big hugs, Sweetie. You know we are here if you need us.

Katie, I'm kinda like Nini....haven't said anyhitng cuz everyone else has said it so much better than I could.  I really hope Justin can enjoy the time he has left with his Mom, I'm glad that he's decided to put aside any resentment that he's had in the past.  I think he'd regret it forever if he didn't let it go and just love his mom while he has herYou are a strong young women, I'm glad he has you.

Linda

Thanks guys :)  I'm off today and tomorrow and we've been trying to spend time together.....but honestly he's on another planet right now. I'll ask him every now and again if he wants to talk and sometimes he says a line and others he just smiles and says no, it's okay. *sigh* I'm okay though
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