Musings: accepting pain
I’m still reading a book called, “Turning Suffering Inside Out”, by Darlene Cohen. Darlene has lived with RA for a long time so her words have a great deal of authority and conviction. I shared an excerpt from the book a few weeks ago. It’s filled with some powerful words and ideas, spoken by someone who really understands this disease. I thought I’d share another passage.
“I think many people have a skewed idea of what “accepting” pain is. If you have the idea that coping well should resemble serenity or equanimity, something like the proverbial “grace under fire,” then you think you should resign yourself with a big cosmic grin, no matter what horrors are being visited upon you. Actually, “accepting” pain sounds to me too passive to accurately describe the process of successfully dealing with chronic pain. It fails to convey the tremendous energy and courage it takes to accept physical pain as part of your life. Truly accepting pain is not at all like passive resignation. Rather, it is active engagement with life in its most intimate sense. It is meeting, dancing with, raging at, turning toward. To accept your pain on this level, you must cultivate particular skills. After you have developed some proficiency, dealing with pain feels much more like an embrace, or the bond that forms between sparring partners, than like resignation”
There’s a lot to think about in this excerpt. The idea of accepting vs. denying is good, but what does it really mean? Are we just giving up…allowing despair to overcome hope? Darlene calls true acceptance “active engagement with life” rather than “passive resignation”. How can we accept our condition, yet still actively engage our life. The book continues to talk about the “particular skills” we need to cultivate to truly be able to accept the pain we often endure. One of the skills is to fill our lives with moments of ecstasy that outshines the dark moments when pain overshadows everything. The pain then is just one of many experiences not the only experience. I had such an experience this morning. I play in a church worship band. The opening songs were loud and fast, driven by a slightly insane drummer and two electric guitars…not your typical church hymns. Everyone was standing, singing and clapping to the beat; children dancing at the front. The third song changed the mood dramatically, slowing to the haunting melody of Amazing Grace. I played the solo part during the instrumental section…each note drifting through the sanctuary. It was truly magic and for a while the pain was gone. I crave such moments; pure ecstasy that fills every fiber of your being. Now, that’s what I would call “active engagement with life”. I hope you find such moments of ecstasy too.
I hope you find peace and joy in your life,
Alan
I like that image. We can go outside and breathe in the reality of our lives as they currently exist or stay inside in the dark and observe our lives through a window from a safe distance, ever mindful of our limitations. Sometimes it's safer not to feel anything, but a moment of ecstasy, sending electric currents down your spine, is surely worth the risk!
Alan, I always enjoy your "musings", poems and photos. They say what I feel, but do not have your "way with words", to express as I'd like too. Thank you
Cordelia, Your discription of the sunset on your mountain was beautiful! I used to have a mountain in my back yard, and I loved to watch the colors change with the hours of the day. Thank you, too
Hugs,
Nini
Alan, interesting, as always.
I've got a different slant on our suffering which is:
"It's only pain."
Sure, it hurts a lot and messes up our lives but what is it, really? It probably won't kill us and so many have learned to live with it we know it can be tolerable.
Many RA suffers have, after time, hit on the right combination of RA drugs and pain killers to help keep the beast at bay and it's interesting to note how many have come to this board, stayed a year or so and not returned. Possibly because their meds are working?
I guess this is a kind of acceptance without exploring too deeply the "dark side" of pain or being too introspective about it.
At times I can hardly walk and my left hand is 24/7 numb and partially useless but when I go to the doc I tell him so long as it doesn't get any worse I can live with it.
Your last concert sounds out of this world. I'm going to a chamber music concert shortly in a venue with three glass walls - it's an afternoon affair so we can look at the sun shining through the trees whilst listening to the (very good) playing.
Cheers, Des.
Dessy, that is definitely acceptance and a very good way of doing it too as you are giving the 'pain' space to 'be' in your life without resisting nor fighting it. We can almost create a power struggle with pain...which we will never win. But embracing, normalising it, accepting it almost to the point of ignoring...those things help us win, help us cope better and defuse the power struggle. I like that way...you acknowledge it, accept it but don't give it too much of your energy.